Sorry to Ruin Your Day, But This Woman Found a Sea Monster Thing in Her Coconut Water

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Broken coconut.

Hey, remember the Maryland couple who found a live scorpion in their bagged spinach?

And the two unlucky people who found rotting bats in their pre-packaged salad from Walmart?

Yeah, well, those people can quit their whining now, because Barbara Kline from Goshen, New York, found a slimy, tentacle-laden, octopus-like creature in her coconut water, and after you see the photo evidence, you will never—I repeat, *never*—be the same.

That’s right: From the depths of who knows where, the little guy somehow made his way into Kline’s bottle of Vita Coco. If you’re not retching yet, I guarantee you will be by this article’s end.

“I still can’t believe this,” our unsuspecting victim wrote on Facebook in the caption accompanying the photo of the…the…whatever it is. “I’m so disgusted it’s the only water I ever drink I will never in my life drink it again… It looks like a freaking octopus just looking at it makes me sick.”

If you can’t tell, Kline is, um, not happy. And no wonder. This guy will probably be the inspiration for the next “Pirates of the Caribbean” villain. But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is, she drank the water. She. Drank. It.

As reported by the New York Post, “Barbara Kline…claims to have suffered diarrhea and vomiting for days after accidentally swallowing a slimy piece of the mystery mound on April 25.”

In comments to the paper, Arthur Gallego, spokesperson for Vita Coco, responded to the grotesque discovery. “We have been trying to help this consumer since April 26, 2017, and have been in touch with her every day this week. We are a quality and food safety driven brand, and the consumer, Ms. Kline, has refused every opportunity to give the product to us, our insurance company, or her local FDA office, for testing.”

He offered further commentary in a press release. “It is highly unlikely what this consumer claims she found in her Vita Coco poses any health risk. Vita Coco is a preservative-free beverage made from naturally-occurring ingredients. While the consumer has yet to return the product for testing, this looks like typical food spoilage. This consumer’s product was likely left opened, improperly refrigerated or damaged, and after reviewing the images she has posted, we are confident it is mold growth.”

Naturally-occurring ingredients or not, Kline is currently lamenting the fact that she’ll never again be able to enjoy coconut water, her all-time favorite drink. As she told the Post, “It has potassium which is so good for your body. It was so crisp. I loved the water. Now I just can’t do it.”

Kline, potassium is the least of your concerns. May you recover quickly from this most unfortunate situation.

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